London reacts to Super Bowl

Londoners deliver their verdict on the Colts victory against the Bears. Traditionally, American football has struggled to make much headway in a country where soccer is king. But the game's governing body is planning a fresh charm offensive later this year after agreeing to hold a competitive...

I must confess to you all that when it comes to these two particular movie franchises, I am a freakin’ nerd.  I own all of the Aliens and Predator movies; even the ones that may have sucked.  I’ve watched all the DVD extras.  I’ve even played the video games.  I know the difference between a face-hugger and a chest-burster, and several other random facts about these movies that would prevent anyone from getting laid if they were ever dumb enough to mention these gems of info in mixed company. 

Why, do you ask?  Maybe because I’m fascinated by the concepts, and marvel at how much sheer imagination it takes to come up with this stuff.  So before I proceed with my review of Aliens vs. Predator-Requiem, I thought I’d take you all on a little walk down Sci-Fi/ Horror Memory Lane, and briefly discuss how we got here.

First let’s go over the Aliens series.

Alien:  The world is introduced to the idea of a creature that latches itself onto a human’s face, only to impregnate the hapless soul with an embryo that, once matured, bursts violently from it’s victim’s chest.  Turns out, the fun doesn’t stop there!  The chest monster grows rapidly into a near-indestructible insect/ space demon with acid for blood!

Personally, I can think of much more pleasant ways of being taken out.  You know, like going hunting with Dick Cheney.  Speaking of corruption in government-- that turns out to be why the spaceship Nostromo has been put in harm’s way.  The misinformed crew has been unknowingly elected to bring the beastie home to be used as a weapon for the human race.  One can only assume that even in the very far off future,

The crew of the Nostromo, do not die in vain; their grisly deaths capture attentions and imaginations across the globe.  And forget the monster for a second; let’s talk about that nasty-ass android!  People would be talking about this movie in office hallways and schoolyards for years to come.  And of course, Sigourney Weaver, (who plays the resourceful, yet a little too skinny Lt. Ellen Ripley), further pries at the door for women in cinema to be seen as more than just damsels in distress and window dressing.

OK, so by today’s standards, the monster does look a little cheesy at times.  But back in the day, when you first saw this movie, it scared you, it scared me, and it scared your mama!  So as my people in Brooklyn would say, stop tryin’ to front!

Aliens:  REVOLUTIONARY!  Someone take director James Cameron to Stroker’s (the strip club in Atlanta), and buy him a lap dance!  This is a masterpiece, timeless and as perfect as a movie can be.  No matter how disappointing other Aliens installments have been, the world will continue to patronize the franchise because moviegoers are holding to that glimmer of hope that they will experience the same magic and exhilaration they felt when they first saw this movie. 

Aliens 3:  Unfortunately, the high bar set by Aliens comes crashing down over the heads of all involved with this 1993 release.  There is some compelling acting, notably by Charles Dutton, Charles Dance, and of course Sigourney, but the movie itself is a dreary mess.

• In all fairness, I will say that the director’s cut is a vast improvement from the original theatrical release.  Is this one of those cases where Hollywood suits should have just shut up and let an artist do his thing?  Mmm…maybe.

Aliens 4- Resurrection:  Ron Perlman, Gary Dourdan and a variety of vaguely familiar faces try to be as interesting as Sigourney’s supporting cast from Aliens.  But this movie goes as haywire as a bad acid trip, as the filmmakers decide to pass off bizarre tangents and visuals as an actual plot.  Another huge problem is Winona Ryder, as an android who currently holds the title as the second most annoying character in the history of science fiction cinema (the Star Wars series’ abominable Jar-Jar Binks is still comfortably in the lead).

Even worse, Sigourney is not even Ripley anymore; she’s a genetically spliced Alien/ human hybrid, or as I prefer to think of her, Sigourney Schwarzenegger.  As a result, the audience is left with no one to care about or relate to.  When the gorefest comes, that’s all there is.  Seriously, outside of my silly self, who else even owns this?

Now let’s talk about my favorite race of intergalactic skull collectors:

Predator:

A highly-trained special military ops unit out to rescue a made-up US cabinet minister lost in the jungles of Nicaragua ‘accidentally’ encounter the most badass illegal alien since Cheech Marin!  Like the crew of the Nostromo, the soldiers realize that they have been lied to, (funny how that plot device is oh so easy to swallow, even before current day circumstances), so they’re already in a bad mood before the monster attacks.  Distrustful of the CIA operative, (Carl Weathers), who has accompanied them, and irritated by the heat, they put up a splendid fight when the creature starts to pick them off, but find themselves outmatched by the predator’s superior cache of weaponry.

Despite the fact the rescue team is led by it-guy-at-the-time Arnold Schwarzenegger and comprised mostly of every chisel-featured guy in Hollywood who could bench press more than 250 pounds, the team is eventually reduced to one survivor.  Of course, Schwarzenegger was already a household name when this film was released, so it’s no surprise that the supporting beefcakes get waxed, and leave the future governor of California to fight it out with the monster one-on-one.  But getting there is an excellent ride.  The movie succeeds in advancing the genre of sci-fi/ horror by doing the same thing that Aliens did; be a great action movie as well.  To date, it’s a classic, worthy of accolades and praise.  The ladies may hate it; hell I personally know a few who will suffer the uncontrollable urge to whip up their copy of Fried Green Tomatoes or The Color Purple upon reading this article.  But nearly every man I know will stop dead in his tracks and watch at least a few minutes of this movie if they stumble upon it in the middle of channel surfing.  That is, unless an important game is on.

Predator II

The sequel to Predator does a few things right, and some other things very wrong.  I’m a huge fan of multicultural casts in any genre, and an even bigger fan of Danny Glover and the original Biggie Smalls, Calvin Lockhart, (R.I.P. my brother). 

However, I have mixed feelings about how Caribbean-Americans are depicted in this film.  I remain certain that neither the writers nor director of the film ever actually met a Jamaican in their lives.  As a result, we are subjected to some stereotypical nonsense.  I’m sure that the only reasons more Caribbean-Americans have not complained about this film are:

a)      They are much more pissed at Steven Segal for Marked For Death.

b)      They stopped going to American made movies all together after Mario Van Peeples’ equally distressing and horrible portrayal of a ‘Ja-fake-can’ in Jaws 4.

The characters that find themselves up against the unfriendly space ghost this time are Los Angeles cops on the edge, who spend their waking hours fighting against urban blight.  All the gunfire and angst makes this rather exaggerated version of LA apparently seem like Disneyland to a Predator.  As hinted at in the first film, the creature is looking for an honorable challenge, which Glover more than delivers. 

Another distressing bit of news; Predators are apparently Republican!  When the space-hunter captures Maria Conchita-Alonzo, but spares her after realizing she’s pregnant, he plays the ‘for capital punishment but against abortion’ card bigtime!

And now without any further adu, the movie that brought the franchises together:

Aliens vs. Predator:

Anyone who disliked AVP is going to have to forgive me if I don’t completely crucify this movie.  I got way too much of a kick out of finally seeing the Aliens and Predators square off to be but so upset about this one.  Of course, no film is perfect.  While at times entertaining and suspenseful, AVP does suffer from two major problems:

The theatrical release clocks in at a meager 100 minutes, which is shorter than your average flight from New York to DC.  And yet, there is so much information to convey, especially to the moviegoers that don’t read comic books and therefore don’t know how the two terrible species fit into each other’s worlds.  The end result is that the movie ends up feeling rushed at times, since it has inside stuff to cover while getting us acquainted with the characters, (so that we care when they die).

And for the love of g-strings, what is with the PG-13 rating?  Did the suits at 20^th Century Fox figure they’d sell more action figures if they toned things down?  Get this Predatormug when you buy a Kid’s Meal?  No movie in the history of either of these franchises should ever have a PG-13 rating!  Plain and simple, it’s not what the core fan base wants.

On a happier note, Sanaa Lathan plays a very quick thinking and resourceful exploration guide who ends up being the last human standing after the initial clash of the three species.  She’s sort of like Huey in The Boondocks; she’s always right and yet no one listens to her until it’s too late.  For my dollar she was great, and though nothing like Sigourney Weaver’s famous Ripley, Lathan brought a mixture of fear and heroism to the part that was both relatable and believable.  Of course, it doesn’t hurt that she is hotter than a barbeque at Satan’s house.

OK and now the final review!

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem. 

OK, so one of my complaints was addressed.  This is an R-rated movie and deservedly so.  In fact, from a suspense and violence standpoint it (does not surpass, but) comes close to Aliens (finally).  It even breaks a few big horror movie rules, as we discover early on that even small children aren’t safe.  In fact, it’s so gory that I almost reached over and covered the eyes of the high school kids who snuck in and sat in front of me.  Then I remembered I’m not R. Kelly and I don’t really like high school kids.  At least, not like that.  But I digress…

We seemingly pick up right where AVP left off, with a Preda-Alien chestburster emerging from the corpse of the Predator that had teamed up with Ms. Lathan as it lay in a holding area.  This provokes a continuity issue.  Wasn’t this ship filled with Predators, not just a couple?  This goes unexplained, or maybe I blinked.  Or maybe the filmmakers figured that no one would notice the missing Predators except for that pain in the ass SVP from Brooklyn. 

The Pred-Alien matures into a Queen, who provokes a firefight that leads to the spacecraft being damaged.  The Predator ship crashes in good ol’ Colorado and from there it’s pretty much what the trailer promised: earthlings discover the crashed vessel, faces get hugged, and embryos get planted.  The newly ‘hatched’ Aliens follow their Preda-Queen Mommy off to a nice nesting spot where they proceed to snatch people up, pop them in the heads with their retractable mouths and impregnate them to make more playmates.  Big fun for everyone, as long as you consider watching people get ripped to shreds, or implanted with space embryos fun.

Again, the Predators show their Republican ways.  With a quiet mountain town becoming Alien-infested faster than Nino Brown can take over a low-income housing project, only one Predator is dispatched to Earth for the clean-up!  It’s like FEMA with space monsters!

Of course, no one else in the galaxy is as incompetent as our current administration, so when the single predator arrives and starts slicing through the opposition like Rambo, it’s really quite a special effects smorgasbord.  Unfortunately, the Preda-Alien Queen makes babies faster than the resourceful Predator can kill them, so just when you start to think it’s Miller time the opposition increases tenfold.  The outcome is never really in doubt, especially once the human government gets involved.

Unless you’re a fan of the TV show Rescue Me, chances are you won’t recognize Steven Pasquale, or anyone else in the cast.  The film’s budget clearly went to the fight scenes, and that’s fine.  20^th Century Fox has finally realized that people don’t necessarily go to this kind of film to see human movie stars. 

It calls itself a Requiem, but it’s really more like a wedding, complete with several old monsters, a new method of embryo implanting (big side note: pregnant women may want to avoid this movie), a scene borrowed from the original Predator and a magic blue liquid that would make one hell of a drain cleaner.  It’s an entertaining action thriller, not overwhelmingly great, but certainly an imaginative step up from the first AVP.  On the strength of this film I predict that the two sci-fi flavors that taste great together will continue to limp on well into the next decade.

Or at least until they screw up AVP 3, which is quite possibly what will happen next.

LSU wins battle of the special teams

Big plays, and miscues, turn the tide in Tigers' favor

NEW ORLEANS - Ricky Jean-Francois atoned for a season-long suspension by getting his big right hand on the ball for LSU.

If only Austin Spitler could have gotten a piece of it for Ohio State.

Everyone wants to talk about offense and defense, but it was a couple of lesser-known players — both of them putting in time on special teams — who played pivotal roles in LSU’s 38-24 victory over the Buckeyes in the BCS national championship game Monday night.

“Special teams always plays a key role,” Spitler said. “Unfortunately, it did not fall our way tonight.”

Start with Jean-Francois, who sat out the first 12 games for an off-the-field issue, presumably related to academics, before finally getting on the field in the Southeastern Conference title game last month.

“It made me start appreciating everything,” Jean-Francois said. “I felt like I wanted to leave school, but all my coaches told me to hang in there, something is going to come for you.”

The Tigers were sure glad they had the 281-pound sophomore from South Florida when Ohio State lined up for a 38-yard field goal midway through the second quarter, the game tied at 10, the Buckeyes poised to go back in front after squandering an early 10-0 lead.

Ryan Pretorius had been money all season, but there was nothing the Ohio State kicker could do when Jean-Francois bulled his way up the middle, stuck up his hand and batted the ball down before it ever had a chance to clear the line.

Darry Beckwich scooped up the loose ball, and the Tigers went off the other way for an eventual touchdown and their first lead.

“Their linemen weren’t putting their hands up. They were just using their shoulders,” Jean-Francois said. “So I backed up and tried to time the ball. When I got back there and saw my hand go up, I was like ’Please let me block this ball.’ When I blocked it I was just shocked.”

LSU coach Les Miles said his staff spotted some weaknesses in Ohio State’s protection scheme and spent the past two weeks trying to come up with ways to exploit it.

“Ricky Jean-Francois is a very talented guy,” Miles said. “He got good push, got a hand up and got a hand on it. To me, that was definitely a turning point.”

And a measure of redemption for Jean-Francois, who did more than just block a field goal. He had six tackles, a half-sack and 1½ tackles for losses, earning the game’s defensive MVP award over more-heralded teammates such as Glenn Dorsey, Kirston Pittman and Ali Highsmith.

“Once I lifted my head back up, I felt like I was on top of the world,” Jean-Francois said.

If only Spitler had kept his head up. LSU went on to score 31 straight points, but Ohio State might’ve had a chance if not for his blunder on the first possession of the third quarter.

A 15-yard penalty for intentional grounding left LSU in a fourth-and-23 hole, the Buckeyes readying themselves to get the ball for their first second-half possession. But Spitler, a sophomore linebacker and native Ohioan, had even bigger plans.

He sliced through the line without being touched and set his sights on punter Patrick Fisher, crashing into his right leg a split-second after he punted the ball away.

If Spitler had just taken a little better angle, maybe kept his eye on the ball a little longer, he surely would have made a crucial block — maybe even given Ohio State a touchdown.

“I guess I took my eye off it,” Spitler said. “I thought I had it. I probably could have blocked it without even diving. But that’s your natural instinct. I took my eye off it, I guess. They always preach to keep an eye on the ball at the block point. I thought it would hit my body at least.”

On the replays, Spitler looked so well-positioned that no one could figure out how he missed the ball. But miss it he did. When he got up, he saw the ball sailing 60 yards down the field and a yellow flag on the field. The 15-yard personal foul gave the Tigers an automatic first down.

“It was fourth and like, forever, and we get a roughing-the-punter call,” linebacker Ryan Lukens said. “That kind of stuff hurts. It really hurts the defense. You can’t really expect the defense to bounce back after something like that.”

LSU sure took advantage of the miscue, and Ohio State fell apart. The Buckeyes picked up another 15-yard penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct on the next play, sending the Tigers off on a touchdown drive that made it 31-10.

That was it.

“I’m not going to say it would make or break the game,” Lukens said. “But it definitely had an impact.”

Two players.

Two plays.

Both very special in their own way.

GIT YO WHIP IN ORDER BACK TO BASICS

Wii Elbow? Popular System Can Bring Pain

CINCINNATI -- The Nintendo Wii might seem like a great way to get the family together and have some fun.

But one local doctor says it can be downright dangerous, Cincinnati television station WLWT reported.

Complaints of muscle soreness and injuries from playing the game are piling up.

So fast, there are Web sites out there showing injuries gamers have gotten -- a black eye, a bloody hand, a knot on the knee and arms in slings.

"Those type of injuries you wouldn't expect from indoor play with a video game," Dr. Bret Bruder said. "The popularity of it, the explosion of this has been unexpected and amazing."

Bruder, an emergency department doctor, said injuries are adding up as more people get the game.

Unlike previous game systems, the Wii often demands considerable physical motion to play effectively.

And the sheer popularity and fun of the game system doesn't help matters.

"You get caught up and you don't want to quit and take a break," Matt Vieth said.

"Young children through middle-age people (are) being over exuberant, coming in after hours and hours with their arms, shoulders and joints aching," Bruder said.

Zach Martin had problems with his arms after boxing a few rounds on the Wii.

"It kind of stresses out sometimes," he said.

Bruder said a little common sense goes a long way.

"A little bit of stretching if you're going to be doing some of the more vigorous activities like the golf and tennis," he said. "Don't play for hours and hours on end. Try to spread it out. We know it's fun, it's addictive, but keep it to a limit."

The toilet paper bride    DUDE WUT THA FUCK??

Paulson Says No Simple Housing Crisis Fix

Treasury Secretary Says Market Failure Possible

WASHINGTON -- Although the Bush administration is working on efforts to combat the country's severe housing crunch, Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said there is no quick fix.

In remarks prepared for a New York speech, Paulson pointed out that 1.8 million subprime mortgages are scheduled to reset to sharply higher rates over the next two years, raising the possibility of a market failure.

He said that's why the administration brokered a deal with the mortgage industry to freeze certain subprime mortgage rates for five years to allow the housing market to recover.

Excerpts of the speech show Paulson noting "there is no single or simple solution that will undo the excesses of the last few years."

He said, however, that by preventing avoidable foreclosures, "we will safeguard neighborhoods and communities and fulfill our responsibility of protecting the broader U.S. economy."

The housing slump has been a serious drag on the overall economy, producing fears that the country could topple into a recession